A Quiet Hug or a Conversational Cuddle?

Some people wonder what actually happens in a Compassionate Touch and Cuddle session other than, well…… touch and hugs.

Do we chat or are we quiet?

Is the session in silence or is there background music?

If we talk what do we talk about?

And my answer to that is all of the above.

I always ask at the beginning of a session “what do you need from this session?”

“What would make you feel more at ease?”

There is no expectation to talk.

About anything.

My job is to hold the space for you and let it unfold naturally.

I am not here to fix you or take away your worries but more to offer a soft place of caring for your feelings to land.

Can we trust this space to open up, whether there is deep silence or conversational chatter, into an authentic experience?

Boundaries and Consent

A core part of any cuddle session, whether on-line or in-person is establishing boundaries and consent.

I make clear expectations very early in conversations before a session even takes place to ensure clients are provided with clear information as to what is acceptable and what is not. What this sevice provides and what it does not.

But, it doesn’t end there.

At the beginning of every session I give further clarification and check in with you as to what boundaries and consent means to you and clear up any misunderstandings.

I want you to have a good grounding in what this actually means in practice.

We then actually put this into practice with specific exercises.

It’s so very important for us all gain confidence in giving and receiving consent.

It’s the building block to trust.

Particularly saying and hearing “No”.

And, if you don’t hear a clear “Yes” then it must be taken as a “No”. There are no grey areas.

Yes = Yes (at any point that can be revoked verbally or physically such as pulling away)

No = No.

No answer or the person is undecided = No

If there is ANY doubt the answer is “No”.

All in the knowledge that an answer can be revoked at any time. So a “Yes” may become a “No” if the person changes their mind.

This empowers us to advocate for ourselves which creates a more meaningful and successful session.

In fact, for people who have experienced unsolicited or inappropriate touch (and surprisingly many of us have) or who have difficulties expressing their touch wishes a whole session might be based around practicing boundaries and consent without any touch taking place.

Supporting You Through Our Second Lockdown.

I have for you a very, very special offer.

As a second lockdown arrives and our daylight hours get shorter we will all need just a little bit more extra support with our need to feel connected and nurtured.

For the four weeks of this second lockdown from 5th November to the 2nd December I will be offering 30 minutes remote compassionate touch sessions for a minimum donation of £10 per session.

Why am I offering this?

I fully recognise how valuable my time is – after all I work in end of life care and appreciate that we don’t have an infinite amount of time on this planet in the body that we live in now. But this is also heart-centred work.I recognise right now that there is a great deal of suffering and strains have been put on finances. Isolation and loneliness, trauma and ptsd, separation and division, grief and loss and a great lack of connection is being felt by many.

I want to help support people through these next few weeks and this is my way of providing that support.

It doesn’t mean that I value what I offer less.

In fact, the opposite is true. I value what I offer more than ever.

These sessions are priceless and when you experience them you will see why.

The personal feedback has blown my mind.

This offer is limited to one 30 minute session per person per week for the 4 week duration of lockdown from 5th November 2020. They follow the same rules as my in-person sessions and are a safe space to be you and feel what you are feeling, to be held in all that you are. The session includes any or a mixture of the following: eye gazing, activities bringing deeper connection, self-comforting techniques, a hug or touch meditation or virtual compassionate touch session.

Please get in touch if you would like to book a session or discuss how I might be able to support you with your need to connect or reconnect.

Close your eyes, feel into your body – what do you need right now?

The Physiology of Touch.

Most people are aware of how touch brings comfort and relieves stress and many understand that the body releases oxytocin when we touch or receive a hug but there’s a great deal more to that touch. So let’s dig a little deeper into how compassionate touch impacts our physiology.

First off human touch is a basic need to thrive and survive. Our skin is covered in touch receptors that stimulate the release of neurochemicals which set off a chain reaction within out body and brain. In one fingertip alone their are more than 3000 touch receptors!

Oxytocin. We’ll start with oxytocin as that’s what most people associate with hugs. Oxytocin is often referred to as the love or bonding hormone and it functions as a neurotransmitter. This neurotransmitter reduces feelings of loneliness, supports us in feeling more connected and boosts feelings of wellbeing. It has a role in regulating the social behaviours in humans including social memory – people and faces. Oxytocin can also function as an anxiolytic agent (a compound reducing stress and anxiety) as it decreases stress hormone release (cortisol) and evokes feelings of contentment, safety and calmness. It is no secret that stress is bad for us.

Here are some other amazing things Oxytocin does: Reduces blood pressure. Lowers our heart rate and slows brain activity. Relaxes our muscles relieving tension in the body and soothing aches.

Other than oxytocin what else happens to our body chemistry and physiology when we give and receive compassionate touch?

Dopamine. It activates the release of dopamine, another neurotransmitter, which is associated with concentration, motivation, and feelings of bliss and euphoria. It calms the parasympathetic nervous system. When someone touches us, they activate pressure receptors within our skin known as Pacinian corpuscles. Here’s where I get a little technical haha. These receptors fire signals to our vagus nerve which is a key element in our parasympathetic nervous system. Our parasympathetic system acts as a safety valve when our brain or body is overwhelmed with stress or is overexcited. It can put us into fight, flight or freeze mode.

The Vagus Nerve. The vagus nerve originates in the brain stem and extends down our neck and into our abdomen. It is linked to our lungs, heart, liver, spleen, kidneys, stomach and intestines. What impacts the vagus nerve impacts all of these organs. You know when you’re under stress and you suddenly need to empty your bowels or you feel your heart racing?

The vagus nerve is an area within our brain that plays a vital role in regulating many of our body’s key functions including blood pressure. When we are hugged our blood pressure drops as a result of this vagus nerve stimulation and this helps us feel calmer and more secure. It also boosts our immune system.

Endorphins. Gently stroking the body also triggers a massive endorphin response in the human brain. Endorphins are used by neurons in the brain to signal to each other. They are part of our pain control system, and produce an opiate-like analgesic effect. Though chemically related to drugs like morphine there are 2 main differences – on a weight for weight basis endorphins are 30 times more effective as painkillers than morphine plus we don’t get so destructively addicted to them. Physical pain and psychological pain are processed in the same region of our brain so not only do endorphins provide relief from physical pain but they also help relieve psychological pain too. That is why a hug feels so comforting.

And this is why the world needs more huggers – more people unafraid to comfort or simply communicate using compassionate touch.

The way we compassionately touch another transcends any words.

I know we currently need to exercise caution regarding touching or hugging another due to covid-19 but, we also need to start thinking about regaining our trust in touch before it becomes psychologically embedded in our brain to be fearful or complacent about it.

Our wellbeing depends on it.

Reclaiming Connection

As well as getting your needs for touch and cuddles met these sessions offer an opportunity for richer connection.
A connection of souls and hearts.
A connection to your deepest emotions.
It is a space to feel seen and heard.
A space to be totally present.
A space of acceptance and compassion.
This is so much more than just a physical experience.
Humanity has suffered so much over the past few months.
Many have felt disconnected, isolated, alone.
We have much work to do to rebuild trust in touch and connection.
It starts here.